So where do I begin....this past week has been a week from hell. My best friend Stephanie was diagnosed with breast cancer. I feel like I'm standing still and things are just continuing on around me. I'm so sad, angry, and frustrated. I feel so helpless, like I should be doing something and I can't do a thing but be there and I don't feel like it's enough. I try to talk to people but they say things that quite frankly just piss me off.
Let me go backwards for a minute...she has been my best friend for over 14 years. She keeps me going when I feel I have nothing left to give. Through everything I've been through (good and bad) she's been there. We talk on the phone 50 million times a day...seriously I'm pretty sure we're the reason Verizon has unlimited calling plans. When I'm down, she's up and when she's down, I'm up....we balance each other and are like the same person. We talk too much all the time.
When she told me the news I felt like someone punched me in the stomach.
This was a post I started in May 2011. And didn't have an urge to ever finish until now.
I lost my best friend to breast cancer on July 25, 2016. My eyes fill up just typing that.
I'm writing this now to try to help not only myself but anyone who may be going thru something similar.
I have so much I wish I could say to her...
That feeling of being punched in the stomach when you were first diagnosed now feels like someone rolled a boulder over top of me.
I feel like time has stood still since the day you died. But moved so quickly all at the same time. I feel like I talked to you yesterday but also feel like it's been a million years. I pick up the phone to call you every day, sometimes more than once. I miss you. I feel like I lost a part of myself the day you died. At times, I feel like no one on this earth knows me like you did. Sometimes I think you knew me better than I know myself. It hurts. So badly.
Sometimes I forget you're gone, just for a second and then it hits me all over again. I have so much to tell you and hate that I can't. Sometimes I talk to you anyway. It still doesn't seem real. It's so unfair. You fought so hard and we're stronger than anyone I've ever known. You were forced to go through so much that you never deserved. Some days I feel like a ping pong ball bouncing back and forth from happy, to sad, to angry, to broken, to okay again.
Today I'm trying to focus on the good things:
I'm grateful that I had you for my best friend for over 20 years.
All of the priceless memories that sometimes make me laugh and other times make me cry.
How lucky I am that my son was able to know you and love you.
How grateful I am that I had an extra 5 years with you all because you fought as hard as you did.
The little "signs" that remind me of you and make me believe you're watching over us.
That I'll never forget all of the things you taught me or reminded me of, like to stop being so hard on myself, to never stop being there for others, that you can't have sunshine without a little rain, that Christmas Shoes is a nice song (you'd be proud, I didn't change the station when it came on the other day), that sometimes bad things happen to good people, to be kind, that life is precious and not to be taken for granted.
Some days I have to try with everything I have inside but I'm doing it. Little by little. One day at a time.
I miss you. I love you. You'll always be my person.
Sunday, December 11, 2016
Monday, May 16, 2011
It's been awhile....
Wow it's been quite awhile since I've posted anything. Hopefully I'll get better :-)
Things have been pretty busy with work, being a mom and my little guy finishing up 3rd grade. It's hard for me to face that my baby is going to be 10 next month. I tear up just thinking about it, in both a happy and sad way. Thinking back to when he was a baby I never imagined time going by so quickly. Being up all hours with a little baby, changing what seemed to be millions of diapers, watching all of the "firsts" he accomplished....it seemed like it was slow motion. Now looking back it all seemed to happen in the blink of an eye. I'm so proud of the little man he's becoming. He's so smart, kind, generous, and amazes me more every day. Sometimes I wish I could hold him as a little baby again (I try to hold him like that now but he's almost as big as me and I'm pretty sure it embarrasses him lol). I hope I can keep it together on his birthday :-)
Another exciting thing coming up soon is my best friends wedding (I loved that movie by the way). We've been friends since we were 14 and I can't imagine my life without her! I know she's someone who is in my life for a lifetime!! I'm so happy for her and can't wait til her wedding day!! I'm so glad to be a part of it!
This past weekend I learned a few things that I'd to pass along. First....there are people in this world that have things happen to them that they don't deserve. Good people, who are always there for others, who would give you the shirt off their back. A man I met through my job came in a year ago and told us about his wife. She had a brain tumor and had been cancer-free for 10 years. That week they got the news that it had returned, worse than before. He was a positive guy, always had a smile on his face and always made you laugh. She had the tumor removed again but this time the surgery affected her short term memory somewhat. Since then, gradually his smile has faded a little and he has sadness in his eyes that breaks my heart. He came in last week and told us that despite the surgery the tumor started growing again. She just finished many rounds of radiation and they are praying that it helped since the doctors don't think she'll survive another surgery. I attended a fundraiser for them yesterday and the support they received was wonderful. It was hard to walk through the place since there were so many people! I met his wife for the first time and she is an amazing person. The love they have for each other is something you don't see very often. Please keep them in your prayers.
The second thing I learned is chivalry isn't dead! I was at a cookout over the weekend and saw the cutest thing (I actually took a picture of this). A friend of mine, who is in his mid 50's, had us over to celebrate our team winning the bowling championship this year. It was raining and a few people were getting ready to leave. Before anyone knew it, he ran inside and was back in a flash with a large umbrella. He walked them out and across the street to their car with the umbrella over them so they stayed dry :-) It was the best thing I've seen in awhile!! It's a shame that more people don't treat others this way.
Hope everyone has a good week!! Happy Monday!!
Jackie
Things have been pretty busy with work, being a mom and my little guy finishing up 3rd grade. It's hard for me to face that my baby is going to be 10 next month. I tear up just thinking about it, in both a happy and sad way. Thinking back to when he was a baby I never imagined time going by so quickly. Being up all hours with a little baby, changing what seemed to be millions of diapers, watching all of the "firsts" he accomplished....it seemed like it was slow motion. Now looking back it all seemed to happen in the blink of an eye. I'm so proud of the little man he's becoming. He's so smart, kind, generous, and amazes me more every day. Sometimes I wish I could hold him as a little baby again (I try to hold him like that now but he's almost as big as me and I'm pretty sure it embarrasses him lol). I hope I can keep it together on his birthday :-)
Another exciting thing coming up soon is my best friends wedding (I loved that movie by the way). We've been friends since we were 14 and I can't imagine my life without her! I know she's someone who is in my life for a lifetime!! I'm so happy for her and can't wait til her wedding day!! I'm so glad to be a part of it!
This past weekend I learned a few things that I'd to pass along. First....there are people in this world that have things happen to them that they don't deserve. Good people, who are always there for others, who would give you the shirt off their back. A man I met through my job came in a year ago and told us about his wife. She had a brain tumor and had been cancer-free for 10 years. That week they got the news that it had returned, worse than before. He was a positive guy, always had a smile on his face and always made you laugh. She had the tumor removed again but this time the surgery affected her short term memory somewhat. Since then, gradually his smile has faded a little and he has sadness in his eyes that breaks my heart. He came in last week and told us that despite the surgery the tumor started growing again. She just finished many rounds of radiation and they are praying that it helped since the doctors don't think she'll survive another surgery. I attended a fundraiser for them yesterday and the support they received was wonderful. It was hard to walk through the place since there were so many people! I met his wife for the first time and she is an amazing person. The love they have for each other is something you don't see very often. Please keep them in your prayers.
The second thing I learned is chivalry isn't dead! I was at a cookout over the weekend and saw the cutest thing (I actually took a picture of this). A friend of mine, who is in his mid 50's, had us over to celebrate our team winning the bowling championship this year. It was raining and a few people were getting ready to leave. Before anyone knew it, he ran inside and was back in a flash with a large umbrella. He walked them out and across the street to their car with the umbrella over them so they stayed dry :-) It was the best thing I've seen in awhile!! It's a shame that more people don't treat others this way.
Hope everyone has a good week!! Happy Monday!!
Jackie
Thursday, January 6, 2011
A little bit about Me...
When you're young you picture what your life will be like when you "grow up". I always imagined going to college, getting married, buying a house and having kids. It's funny how your view of how it will be is quite different than how things end up.
When I was 11 my parents split up for the second and final time. I am the oldest of 3. It wasn't easy being the oldest. My mom worked 2 jobs and most days I had to come home to take care of my brother and sister. Don't get me wrong, my grandparents, etc. helped out a lot with us, but when I was a teenager I had to find someone to watch my siblings so I was able to go out after school with my friends. I now look back and realize that I got to spend a lot of time with them and if circumstances were different I would've missed out on that! I have a lot of good memories :)
After I graduated I took a year off to decide what I wanted to do with my life. I attended a local college for about a year and a half. When I was 21 I met my son's father. We started dating and things seemed so perfect. He was kind, respectful and a great guy. It wasn't long after that I became pregnant with my son. When I was about 3 months along his dad turned into a completely different person. He was mean, verbally abusive and pretty much treated me like dirt. I was heartbroken. I couldn't understand how he went from this great person to someone I didn't even know. When my family found out I was pregnant the first thing my grandpa wanted was for me to get married. All I kept thinking was I can't marry this guy. This wasn't what I wanted my child to be when he was older. I went to talk to my priest one night and he gave me the best advice and I'll never forget it. He asked me if I would get married without the baby? I answered no. He said then don't get married because of the baby. I'm glad to this day that I didn't because although him and I were meant to bring this beautiful little boy into this world, we were not meant to be together forever.
I had my son right after I turned 22. His dad played the part for awhile and "did the right thing" as his mom called it. When my son was a few months old his dad began doing drugs. We were fighting all the time and weren't happy together at all. The last straw was when he shoved me. I took necessities, and my son and I went to stay at my moms. The next day while he was working I went to our apartment and moved all of our things out.
His dads drug use became drastically worse. He was stealing things and didn't care who he hurt in the process. He actually robbed his own parents house. He went in and out of rehab and after a few years he finally seemed like he might be drug free. One night we had an argument and he broke into my house and hit me while I was holding our son. He spent a few months in jail for what he did to me. Soon after he met another girl, had another baby and treated her worse than he ever treated me. I believe people can change but it's only when they want to.
I have been a single parent since my son was about 13 months old. I am very thankful for my family and friends, without them I don't know where I would be today. They were there to listen and give me advice when I didn't know which way to turn and when I just felt alone.
Looking back over the past 10 years there have been a lot of ups and downs. I lost both of my grandma's and I was very close to them. My dad's mom died while I was pregnant and my mom's mom died in March 2009. I miss their advice and how they always seemed to know how to make me feel like everything would be alright. Some of my best friends have gotten married, engaged and had babies...and there are other friends I have lost. My son had surgery and at that time I didn't think I would make it through it. It's amazing how strong you can be when you don't have any other choice.
My son is 9 1/2 years old and in 3rd grade. He has straight A's and loves school. He is my everything. He makes every day better and makes me smile when I feel like I have nothing left to give. I love being a mom! It's who I was meant to be! It hasn't been an easy road but I wouldn't change one single thing.
Looking back to how I pictured my life when I was younger, I did some of those things...just not in the same order!! I'm not in a rush to get married. I refuse to settle and will wait until I know it's right. Simple things make me happy! For example: my son, the beach (I want to live there some day), my family, my friends, eating out, new socks, rainbows, sitting in the sunshine, swimming, going for walks, yoga, snow, my job, and many many more! I'm very grateful for my life and for each and every person in it :)
So there's a little bit about me!! Next time it won't be so long lol! Oh and I wanted to include a picture of me and my little man!! It's one of my favorite's :)
Jackie
When I was 11 my parents split up for the second and final time. I am the oldest of 3. It wasn't easy being the oldest. My mom worked 2 jobs and most days I had to come home to take care of my brother and sister. Don't get me wrong, my grandparents, etc. helped out a lot with us, but when I was a teenager I had to find someone to watch my siblings so I was able to go out after school with my friends. I now look back and realize that I got to spend a lot of time with them and if circumstances were different I would've missed out on that! I have a lot of good memories :)
After I graduated I took a year off to decide what I wanted to do with my life. I attended a local college for about a year and a half. When I was 21 I met my son's father. We started dating and things seemed so perfect. He was kind, respectful and a great guy. It wasn't long after that I became pregnant with my son. When I was about 3 months along his dad turned into a completely different person. He was mean, verbally abusive and pretty much treated me like dirt. I was heartbroken. I couldn't understand how he went from this great person to someone I didn't even know. When my family found out I was pregnant the first thing my grandpa wanted was for me to get married. All I kept thinking was I can't marry this guy. This wasn't what I wanted my child to be when he was older. I went to talk to my priest one night and he gave me the best advice and I'll never forget it. He asked me if I would get married without the baby? I answered no. He said then don't get married because of the baby. I'm glad to this day that I didn't because although him and I were meant to bring this beautiful little boy into this world, we were not meant to be together forever.
I had my son right after I turned 22. His dad played the part for awhile and "did the right thing" as his mom called it. When my son was a few months old his dad began doing drugs. We were fighting all the time and weren't happy together at all. The last straw was when he shoved me. I took necessities, and my son and I went to stay at my moms. The next day while he was working I went to our apartment and moved all of our things out.
His dads drug use became drastically worse. He was stealing things and didn't care who he hurt in the process. He actually robbed his own parents house. He went in and out of rehab and after a few years he finally seemed like he might be drug free. One night we had an argument and he broke into my house and hit me while I was holding our son. He spent a few months in jail for what he did to me. Soon after he met another girl, had another baby and treated her worse than he ever treated me. I believe people can change but it's only when they want to.
I have been a single parent since my son was about 13 months old. I am very thankful for my family and friends, without them I don't know where I would be today. They were there to listen and give me advice when I didn't know which way to turn and when I just felt alone.
Looking back over the past 10 years there have been a lot of ups and downs. I lost both of my grandma's and I was very close to them. My dad's mom died while I was pregnant and my mom's mom died in March 2009. I miss their advice and how they always seemed to know how to make me feel like everything would be alright. Some of my best friends have gotten married, engaged and had babies...and there are other friends I have lost. My son had surgery and at that time I didn't think I would make it through it. It's amazing how strong you can be when you don't have any other choice.
My son is 9 1/2 years old and in 3rd grade. He has straight A's and loves school. He is my everything. He makes every day better and makes me smile when I feel like I have nothing left to give. I love being a mom! It's who I was meant to be! It hasn't been an easy road but I wouldn't change one single thing.
Looking back to how I pictured my life when I was younger, I did some of those things...just not in the same order!! I'm not in a rush to get married. I refuse to settle and will wait until I know it's right. Simple things make me happy! For example: my son, the beach (I want to live there some day), my family, my friends, eating out, new socks, rainbows, sitting in the sunshine, swimming, going for walks, yoga, snow, my job, and many many more! I'm very grateful for my life and for each and every person in it :)
So there's a little bit about me!! Next time it won't be so long lol! Oh and I wanted to include a picture of me and my little man!! It's one of my favorite's :)
Jackie
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
So here goes...
When I was going back and forth about starting a blog I kept thinking, would I have enough to say? Now keep in mind this is coming from someone who talks 24/7, is on facebook all day long and uses more texts/cell minutes than anyone I know. I have a lot to say but lately I tend to keep most of it to myself. I used to keep a journal but the only time I seemed to write in it was when things were going wrong. I've learned over the past few years that most of the times I felt things were going wrong, it was usually resulting from negative people in my life. Although these "negative" people are still a part of my life, I've taught myself not to let them affect me like I did before. You can't change others but you can change or improve yourself...and limit the time you spend around stressful people.
A blog is a way for me to write either way, when things are going right or wrong. I look forward to sharing who I am and having this to look back on in the future!
Jackie
A blog is a way for me to write either way, when things are going right or wrong. I look forward to sharing who I am and having this to look back on in the future!
Jackie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)